The Drama Triangle

http://www.tobilytle.com/drama.html

http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

...lyrics from the song Beautiful Pain by Rosanne Cash

"Do you want to be honest, or do you want to win?
You could have it all if you could gracefully give in
Like when a martyr knows he's a martyr
And looking in the mirror makes you cry harder
'bout your glittering ball and chain
In love, In love with your Beautiful pain

Excuses and old theories repeat themselves and die
But when they don't hold water
You try to keep them safe and dry"

The title is a little misleading because this blog is not about drama, but about how relationships and events in our childhood have affected our behavior, and consequently, that of our families, in ways we may not even be aware of.

I recently started sessions with a new counselor who is very attentive and unbiased. I was worried because when I was in Oklahoma I went to a counselor as part of a family session, but first of all, the other family member always cancelled, and the counselor was unprofessionally prejudiced even before I spoke; the session evolved into a discussion of how his aged parents, who were in various stages of either dementia or Alzheimer's, were negatively affecting his life. He was obviously bitter and/or angry at the amount of time and travel he had to devote to their care. So, consequently, my problems were reminders of his, making the sessions a negative and unproductive experience for me.

Anyway, I see myself in this "Drama Triangle" as the "Rescuer," always helping, therefore, I suppose, always seeking approval or validation for my help. Maybe I don't feel I am worth anything unless I am needed. I always feel this "need" to try to solve other peoples' problems --most especially my children's, and in their case, give advice, take care of and watch over them. I feel responsible for them and I admit I am over-protective. I realize and admit that I carry this to extremes. I want them to be happy, to have happy lives, but I don't want them to suffer or fail, or to get used or abuse and it feels like I would be letting them down to simply stand by and watch as they make mistakes. I want to be the protecting force in their lives, intervening or interceding to "save" them, instead of letting them make their own mistakes and learn from them. I've never thought of it as a "control" issue, but one of overwhelming love and concern, but the Drama Triangle points out that by trying to control the outcome a person inevitably has to control the victim. There is always a victim in the sense that a "Rescuer" cannot rescue without there being someone to rescue, ie., the victim.

(Note: This acknowledgement of my own frailties does not mean I don't have the right to react to the bad behaviors or actions of others. Life is not always fair.)

I guess all this may come from the feeling of helplessness I experienced from watching as my grandmother was scolded and chastised by her grown sons for things she couldn't help. They, like the counselor with the aged parents, seemed bitter and frustrated with having to help her manage things like her bills and groceries.

I stood by and listened as they scolded her and made her feel like she was a burden. Then I had to listen to her cry bitterly after they left, and I wanted so badly to be able to do something to help her. I remember hugging her in my little child's attempt to comfort her, but I knew it wasn't enough. I felt powerless and angry for it. She had been a good mother, worked herself to the bone, taking in washing, which she did by hand, boiling away stains and dirt in a large tub over a fire outdoors, walking miles for government handouts during the Depression. Having been denied an education because she was female, then forcibly married off to a drunken womanizer who drank himself to death, she made sure her children got an education so they could have better lives for themselves. (She also took in some of her siblings' kids, taking them in and feeding them as well, all of them squeezed into a 2 room house with no plumbing or electricity.)

My childhood was wonderful, from my perspective today. But back when I was little I felt like I was an enigma. I couldn't figure out the puzzle of my life. My parents, who had been in my life when I was an infant and then a toddler, were suddenly gone, and I knew that they chosen to leave me, because I was aware that they had lives that didn't include me. My grandma was loving and caring, but in the deep recesses of my heart, I felt hurt, abandoned and unwanted by my mommy and daddy.

I guess in a way that explains my need to be "all that I can be" when it comes to my family. Perhaps I tried to EARN their love, respect and appreciation by doing and being all for them. I never saw them as victims of my fears or inadequacies, I was simply trying to be the best mom I knew how to be, the one they could always depend on, the one who they could always trust, the one they could learn life's lessons from. I've always thought that love conquers all. Most of all, I never wanted them to feel like I abandoned them in any way, physically or mentally.

I know I have made many personal mistakes - especially when it came to the men I chose. I think I never felt I was worth having any better. Then, even though I may have felt relieved to be out of a bad relationship, I also felt stupid and like a failure.

I don't know what this therapy will accomplish. I'm hoping that I will be able to understand more about why I do the things I do, and that I will be able to move forward with what's left of my life in a more balanced and fulfilling way.

I guess in keeping with my "Rescue" pattern, I am including a few of the websites about the Drama Triangle theory so that others can recognize behavior that is unproductive or even damaging. Don't look at this with the intent of trying to analyze or blame others. Be honest with YOURSELF.